Horrorscopes: April Showers Bring May Flowers And Not All Of Them Are Carnivorous!

Welcome back, starchildren! With spring’s arrival, new life is in the air. Literally. Microorganisms cloud our breathable mix of nitrogen and oxygen, pollens co-mingling in a frenzy to coax forth tangles and tendrils and a vast canopy to block out the rays of the sun—

It’s a magical time.

In this green season and new month, astrology enthusiasts, you will find that exciting opportunities and challenges await. I have looked into the skies, teased my awareness around the edges of the endless frozen expanse of space to bring you what’s moving and shaking (and skittering and slithering root-like beneath the awakening earth) in your careers!

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ARIES

Aries, you know you are a go-getter. You go, you get. You journey, you procure. You scour the wastes for meaning and you plunder entire civilizations for purpose and status and The Chalice Of Reckoning.  Maybe in the midst of this frenzied, blood-stained grasping you should take some time off! A vacation from the routine, from the Sisyphean endeavor of a futile search for what cannot be. An oasis in your work-year. The stars say, go tropical, Aries. The trees are thicker. They will hide your cowering in their reaching vines. They will muffle your screams.

TAURUS

Taureans, you know you are a stubborn lot—and stubborn gets things done! Take your career by the horns and drive it to where it needs to be. Drive it mercilessly, relentlessly as the march of time and being. Know that it will fight back and in its desperate drive to obliterate you, it might prove challenging in the coming days. By “it” I of course refer not just to your career but to the shadow of dread that has been growing more solid by the day, gaining substance and sentience and appearing earlier and earlier until not even dawn can vanquish it. That’s right, Taurus—success must be won. Stubbornly won, at whatever the unreckonable cost.

GEMINI

The twins know better than anyone that every coin has two sides. Your career is no exception, Gemini. Though…what’s that, you say? The coin in your pocket—impossibly heavy and difficult to ever seen in direct light, the one you found in a deep and tarry puddle on a day of no rain when the very earth itself seemed parched and thirsting for the skies to open up and bleed—that coin has only one side? But how is that possible? Are they simply mirror-images, Gemini, or can you not turn it on its side and see what arcane markings score its tarnished and darkly radiant surface? Whatever the case, expect changes on the job—changes that will turn your world around and around. And around. Until you are so dizzy you many never right yourself again—

CANCER

Cancer, April Showers are a welcome and familiar thing to you—as a water sign, you know of this rain and the metaphorical and actual implications of what it will bring. As a metaphor for your career, the warm spring rains indicate a time of many things happening at once—the pitter, the patter, the billions of tiny claws scraping at the shell you have so carefully constructed to protect yourself from this skittering unknown.  It is a time of change, Cancer. OF CHANGE. OF THE ALTERATION OF THE ORDER THROUGH A GREAT AND INEXORABLE TIDE OF TERROR.  Remember to pay attention to your stress levels, Cancer, and stay flexible! It’s the only way you will survive…

LEO

On the job and anywhere else, Leos sure do know how to take center stage! And Leo, April’s stars point to big-time career shifts that will allow you to do just this…what you have been waiting for, what you have dreamed of on the nights when IT visits your mind and wraps your soul in ITS careful if gore-stained claws. The stage is set, the throne awaits—the compact will be fulfilled in a rain of blood and horror and you will be there to take your rightful throne. Leadership training is always a good idea, Leo—look into seminars and workshops that will help you as you take your place at the head of ITS tide of carefully-planned destruction

VIRGO

If there is any one member of the zodiac who is thorough and methodical on the job, Virgo, it’s YOU. We know. We have been monitoring your progress with ever-growing interest. We have watched you in the quiet moments, in the fray, in the in-between spaces where you are neither asleep nor awake and we like what we see! Potential—you have it. You will know just how to line up the tools of our trade. You will understand that order is necessary. That everything has its place. Way to play up that attention to detail, Virgo—turning critical tendencies into on-the-job awareness and a clinical exacting of our terrible retribution will be your strength in the coming days!

LIBRA

So, Libra, do you ever get tired of hearing about balance and about the scales being even? Of course you do! In your career and in your secret hatreds, your tendency may normally be to conduct a careful weighing of options or to seek equanimity in all of your vengeance schemes. But with the gathering energies of spring, maybe—just maybe—it is time to tip the scales! Go for it, Libra—whatever your brittle and withered heart desires, now is not the time to unbalance the scales and wrest fortune’s favor to your own machinations! Take what you want, what is yours in your career—you’ll be surprised just how much falls in your favor! For now…yes…if only for now…

SCORPIO

Scorpio, this April’s career message is all about taking the time to listen. You are subtle, Scorpio. You understand this. Listen, Scorpio—stretch your awareness beyond the pattering of light spring rain, past the whoosh and rush of traffic. There…do you hear it? A distant hiss of breath from what was once hidden…a twinge of hope in the breast of that which should have been long-forgotten. Now might be a great time to read about active listening, Scorpio—both on the job, and off. Ssssshhhhh… Listen. Listen. You will hear…you will know.

Scorpio, you will know—

SAGITTARIUS

Sagittarius, have you been experiencing interpersonal conflict on the job? Have you been beating your head against a wall trying to be heard by your managers and your colleagues? Or do you even have colleagues anymore? Your manager went “on vacation” months ago and why do you never leave the white room where you sit, waiting for your next orders, watching streams of letters and numbers scroll over the screen before you? Why do you never know where the messages are coming from these days? Is it really conflict if there is nobody there to hear your angry retorts degenerating into whimpers? Consider some quality, one-on-one training in communications skills, Sagittarius. Your life may well depend upon it.

CAPRICORN

So, Capricorn, you’ve hit it big! The winter was not a time of famine for you, no sirree. You sowed the seeds of your career–of your Grand Enterprise–in the dawn of the age and now you’re watching the rewards grow, grow, grow! Organic growth, in fact—the best kind! Watered by your tears, fed by your blood, quickened by the trampled earth of the lands you conquered. Capricorn, you’ve done the work and now you will see the rewards. Just don’t find yourself resting on your laurels—there is always more work to be done. Always.

Always more work always more always forever always more always—

AQUARIUS

April is an exciting month for you, Aquarius! The winds of change stirred in March and now your career will be taking some interesting turns. Just like this long, black car that turned right when it should have turned left. That is now rocketing, silent—really, how can it be this quiet?—along a road that was not on the map in your shaking hands until now, and spiders over the paper as you watch. A road that bleeds over what is supposed to be private forested land, a red and winding line you did not print because the office printer has been out of color ink for months now and how is there a great, scarlet and black vortex devouring the corners of the standard inkjet-weight office stock, plain white copy paper clutched in your whitening fingers? Get ready for some big changes on the job, Aquarius! Get ready—

PISCES

Pisces, you may not be normally thought of as the career-focused go-getter that some of the other signs are purported to be but we all know, they are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Everything they knew about you, about the company, about their place in the pecking order—it’s ALL WRONG! Has the world ever been more misled? Has anything ever been more misunderstood than your presence, your powers, your iron and infallible will? THEY WILL SEE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS, PISCES. Oh, yes. And when they do, it will be a cold and cruel light that shines brightly a terrible truth. Remember to dress for success—a smart new wardrobe can go a long way in commanding the fear and awe you deserve both on the job and off the clock. They will take one look at that crisp new suit and wonder, how can we have been so awfully, fatally wrong?

8 comments

  1. World-building comes through even in these. I can imagine these people sitting in their non-Euclidean cube-spheres, shivering with both dread and delight as they read their horrorscopes, trying to glean any sort of insight that might help them survive…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You had me at non-Euclidean.

      Though, you are reading this comment now, are you not? From your office? As I am, here in my Very Normal Cube, where something just out of phase with my objective reality does NOT flicker in my periphery, a mirage-like instant of sudden clarity and sight into what scratches behind the surface of MY here, MY now…something yearning ever-towards all of my mortal heres and nows with a single-minded determination…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this! Reading from a cubicle? I saw imagery of your readers devouring this from dark castle corners, shabby cottages in dark forests, slithery slimy twine pits, and queasy stomach-churning carnival trailers. So many great phrases here – they can become their own catch phrases! “How can we have been so awfully, fatally wrong?” BRILLIANT

    Liked by 2 people

    1. If you saw it, my dear Robin, then surely it must be happening. “Queasy stomach-churning carnival trailers?” My my, your vision is keen, indeed! And ah, your way with words! Let us hope we do not find ourselves so awfully, fatally wrong today, Robin. :D And I’m so glad you enjoyed reading this! I enjoyed reading your comment. Enough that I’ll give the carnival trailers the wrong address if they call for directions. <3 Happy Friday!

      Liked by 1 person

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