Movie Review: Valentine’s Day Edition

So, that greeting card manufactured non-holiday Valentine’s Day is on the horizon and a lot of people are looking for some date night movies. Today on Starpoop and Cheese, I’m performing the Important Public Service of reviewing a few of my romantic faves for your pleasure.

1. Marvel’s Thor:

In this wacky, action-packed fish out of water romantic romp, we follow the exploits of ab and pec-tastic, hot-headed princelyThor of Asgard and watch as Jane Amidala and Kat Dennings With Glasses gape and blunder and Loki cackles and the camera lingers on half-nekkid Thor being ab-ly, pec-ly manly and hot and confused and at one point, he eats a pop-tart and later gets in a rainy mud-bath fight and by the end there are explosions and a giant robot and crap, how could I forget beautiful Idris Elba with golden eyes????conan-chris-hemsworth-thor-puns-thoreal Oh right, back at plot, we see Thor flying through the skies with Jane and expressions of affection, et cetera.

Guys, this movie is totally a rom-com. TOTALLY. Also, the world needs more Lady Sif and Golden-Eyed Elba.

VERDICT? I give this movie nine out of ten naked dude-torsos.

2. Pacific Rim:




Kicking your potential lover’s ass is a vital first step in the courting process. Image from Pacific Rim.

So yeah, you’re gasping for air, freezing cold, covered in Kaiju guts and you just watched your team get annihilated and you’re floating in the ocean, in shock, and you see the pilot you bonded with who also happens to be totes adorbs MADE IT OUT OF THIS SHIT ALIVE and of course you’re not gonna snog, you’re gonna cutely bonk heads and thank the heavens for your life then go get post-trauma counseling before you don that mech to fight whatever is coming next! I mean, in a movie where it’s giant robots punching alien monsters, the fact that a not-kiss is A Thing—indeed, a Big Good Thing—makes me all kinds of happy. Not to mention, Inspirational Doomsday Speech Idris Elba, which is a glorious thing to behold.

VERDICT? I give this movie eleventy out of eleventy weird Kaiju parasite  thingies.

3./4. Red and Red 2:

These movies are a surefire-win formula for a gal like me…Helen Mirren kicking ass and toting high-powered acid and/or equally high-powered precision rifles and looking freaking fabulous in the process, explosions, romantic banter, Karl Urban, firing two guns at the same time in a moving vehicle which, come on, people—you have no accuracy even if the recoil is nothing and you have the strongest hands in the world. Oh, and meanwhile, back at Helen Mirren, the most adorable assassin love story in the history of assassin love stories! Frenemies turned heated lovers  who have not lost the (yet more explosions) spark after all these years and gunshot wounds.


Look at her! GORGEOUS! I mean Mirren, not the rifle but that’s lovely too. Image from the RED franchise.

I love that the anchor for the first film is a burgeoning romantic connection between the main protagonists amongst the Malkovich highjinks and yes, explosions—and that romance continues to be a primary theme even through the sequel. And finally, these movies have something that is very important to me as an overt (not underlying) theme—love and romance in people who, gasp, are older than 30! OMG!!!!!1 I mean, did I mention foxy assassin Helen Mirren? I am happy to say that RED and RED 2 are the best. Romcoms. EVAR.

VERDICT? I give the RED franchise. . .how many bullets are in that magazine again? All the bullets in that huge crate of ammo over there plus a bazooka.

Well, folks, that’s it for today! I hope you enjoyed this little review segment. I’d love to hear your favorite romantic movies right all up in my comments section!


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